May I have your constructive thoughts on this please?
White Trash by The Highway
We live by a busy road and possess too many things
to be considered poor; there is the occasional would-be early bird
that we have to turn away. The knick knacks
upon the shelf you would probably consider tacky-
but they are emblems of a past fighting an over bearing future–
bronze praying hands and ceramic figurines sit like sculpted snapshots
of actions that have almost faded into obscurity.
We are too bitter to pray, and even grandmother is too busy
to rock in her chair and knit sweaters.
Hulls of metal frames perch our lawn like a museum display
because someday they will be,
they will be.
Tires can never be too many, mine is a swing that almost reaches the bay,
and I wouldn’t trade it for an amusement park.
Our home would fit on a road no doubt,
But you take the clay potted plants in the sill
as a request for you approval
And that is not why they are there.
I bet your lifestyle doesn‘t leave much room for imagination.
I like to flick the fan on high at night and open the window.
The traffic becomes a crashing sea
with a hint of a breeze.
Sometimes I’m in a café in France,
Other times, somewhere in India
when the air carries a certain spice.
This writing has some very interesting things to say and says them in mostly interesting ways. It has a few typos or omitted words. It starts out like it knows exactly where it is going but then, I think, loses its way and gets less focused.
I wouldn’t want to tamper with your poem, but if it were mine, I would do this:
proofread it for omissions and typos
omit lines 13 and 14
in line 16, change "But" to "Do"
add a ? at the end of 17
in line 18, omit "And"
omit line 19
in line 22 change "a hint of a" to "an onshore"
in line 25, change "when" to "If"
Very expressive. I like how you pack a lot of meaning into inanimate objects. Even the person of "grandmother" is not very fully developed. You also take the reader on some interesting rides, such as when you talk of the "would-be early birds!"
So now, where are you going with this?
References :
i don’t have any constructive thoughts, but i like it
References :
my simply complex thoughts
This writing has some very interesting things to say and says them in mostly interesting ways. It has a few typos or omitted words. It starts out like it knows exactly where it is going but then, I think, loses its way and gets less focused.
I wouldn’t want to tamper with your poem, but if it were mine, I would do this:
proofread it for omissions and typos
omit lines 13 and 14
in line 16, change "But" to "Do"
add a ? at the end of 17
in line 18, omit "And"
omit line 19
in line 22 change "a hint of a" to "an onshore"
in line 25, change "when" to "If"
References :